Live
by sunshine-idiots
Summary: Lelouch spent his life telling others to live, then throws his own life away. 5 years after the Zero Requiem, Lelouch visits the anniversary celebration of his death. Post-R2.


In some ways, Lelouch is a contradictory man. He seeks destruction, and in his path to eliminate Britannia he doesn't care how much blood he sheds.

Except, he keeps telling people to live.

When Suzaku is revealed as the pilot of the Lancelot, he laughs because _of course_ it was him all along, of course the one standing in his way all this time had to be his first and only true friend.

When he is crouching cornered in his Knightmare, Suzaku's gun pointed at his face and his mouth taut in his stubbornness.

"You fool!"

The missiles are coming, and they're going to _die_ , all because of Suzaku's stupid death complex. He would throw his own life away like it was nothing, without caring about the people who would mourn him.

The command comes to him without thinking.

"Live!"

It seems logical enough. It's a command that ensures Lelouch's survival. He told Suzaku to 'live' so he could save himself.

But later, in the quiet of his home, the observer in his head tells him that it would have made more sense to command him to 'save Zero' or 'let Zero go'. Why 'live'?

"You didn't want him to die," CC says, as if she had read his mind. She smirks. "You really are quite dull."

"Suzaku is the primary threat to our operations and a stubborn fool," Lelouch responds calmly. He's been around her long enough to know she's winding him up. "Of course I think he should die."

"I never said he shouldn't die," CC says. "But _you_ don't want him to die."

That hits deeper than it should and he finds he can't speak, can't deny it. To his surprise, CC doesn't push him – maybe she senses that she shouldn't push too far - and simply leaves him sitting there on his bed until the sunlight in the room dims to orange, and then black.

The conclusion he comes to is this: It was a moment of weakness. He let raw emotion guide him, as the cold and callous Zero never should. He had decided from the start that when he dons the mask, he must throw away his humanity and become the man who can achieve _results_. There is no room for such attachment and preferential treatment of a single person.

Maybe it's natural, he is human after all.

But human isn't what he needs. Fate makes that clear, when he accepts Euphemia's plan, yet his own Geass turns her into an enemy, and he shoots her. He cannot let her live.

His resolve cracks, as it always does, with Nunnally. He abandons Japan for her. At the end of that road, the one he saved with that one, thoughtless command made in the heat of the moment, is his downfall. Suzaku drags him before the emperor and robs him of his dignity and reason for living.

He won't make the same mistake again. The world has made it clear – he chose Suzaku and lost Nunnally.

He begs Shirley to live with his Geass flaring in his eye, desperate, and shrieks when he can't save her and she dies at his feet. He tells Kallen that she has to live, because there is no future with him. He tells CC that she can't die like this. Again and again he forces others to live for his sake. But he can't have it all.

In the end, both Suzaku and Nunnally live. It's a miracle that Lelouch can pay for only by his own death, at least, what was intended to be his death and is now his prison.

"Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of the Demon Emperor!" Milly voice projects over the crowd, and the cheer in her voice is not noticeably faked. Thousands of people are all packed onto the side of the street, held from spilling only by a wreath of red rope strung along the sidewalk.

Lelouch stands in the crowd, hood pulled up on his baggy street clothes, watching the parade stand slowly move past.

The Zero on the stage stands behind Nunnally, who waves delicately to the audience with the same gentle smile he remembers. Still, there's a new maturity in the way she sits, and it makes him realize just how long it's been, how much she has grown in these years he's been apart from her. He doesn't know if what he feels is pride or sorrow.

The world has become a peaceful place, and it has no need for Lelouch vi Britannia anymore.

He's missed out on so much already. Just following Nunnally's actions on the news isn't the same as being by her side. He wants to share in her hopes and wishes and to be there for her, to hold her hand in times of distress and hardship and to celebrate together when she succeeds.

Thinking about it, he had never told Nunnally to live, had he? It was his deepest wish, but he'd never vocalized it. Perhaps that was a show of the distance between them, how much he had fought for her in the shadows and never asked what she wanted.

He finds his eyes drifting to the masked figure behind her, standing tall and stoic. What did Suzaku's face look like behind the mask? His 'punishment' as having to live on as Zero, had it allowed him to find happiness at last? Or had he simply condemned him to a life of solitude and misery?

When the platform stops, it's in the exact place where the Zero Requiem was carried out. There's a portrait of Lelouch, and he wonders why they are remembering the Demon Emperor, until it goes up in flames, and the crowd cheers.

Nunnally is smiling and clapping with the crowd, as she always does, but he knows she has a talent for deception as strong as his, he's seen it on the television – that's her public face. He can't see Suzaku's expression under the mask, but he's sure he sees the glisten of liquid at the bottom of the mask.

Of course, even after all these years, Suzaku was still a goddamn crier.

He wants to run out. He wants to pull Suzaku from the stage, to take off that mask so he could see if his eyes were still sad like he suspects they are, to pull him close and tell him that he's still here.

And Nunnally, his dearest Nunnally, he would take her hand, and tears would run down her face as she realized and he would tell her how proud he is of the new world she's created. He would tell her he'd never leave her side. That she doesn't have to hide her pain any longer, and that she can cry into his shoulder as she always has.

It's not like him to think so rashly, but Lelouch hasn't allowed himself to be so close to other people since his death. Perhaps this was the stupidest plan he's ever carried out. He should know by now how human he is.

His own words ring in his mind, words he'd once yelled at Suzaku.

 _Everyone's needs but your own!_

Was there any joy for himself in this peaceful world he'd created? He had thought he could sustain himself on the knowledge that the people he loved most were alive and well, but it's an even emptier existence than before he'd received Geass.

No time for any other distractions. Like boyfriends. Now that was a scary thought. He might just have to assassinate them if he got word of it. Joking, of course he was just joking. He entrusted Suzaku to protect her from the lowest scum of this earth, and that was part of it.

The Zero Requiem was necessary to build a world where they could live in happiness, but he can't be a part of that happiness. That is the simple truth of it.

They're saying speeches now. Scripted and insincere words written for the masses. Still, Lelouch has to push down the ache in his stomach when Nunnally calls him a monster. _She doesn't mean it, this is just what she has to say to appease the media. She doesn't think of you like that._

Before he knows it, the speeches are over. People are calling out words of praise and cries for help, scrambling to get a closer look of the Empress and Zero. But Lelouch manages to hold his ground, standing only rows back from the front. Maybe it's the air of darkness around him, the murderous intent that if anyone disturbs him right now, they will suffer for it.

Lelouch's hand fists to stop himself from reaching out, but he can't help himself from saying something, anything, to show that Lelouch still exists in this world, and isn't just a ghost.

"Suzaku, I'm still here."

It's only a quiet mutter, words to be swept away in the wind, but Suzaku's head turns, as if he heard.

For some reason, he can't find the will to call out to Nunnally. It would only hurt her. But it seems he's only too used to hurting Suzaku by now.

"I still…if you want me to be alive, then tell me to live. Tell me you need me to live, like I did for you."

Their eyes meet, or at least, Lelouch thinks they do underneath the mask. Suzaku makes a movement, a jerk, a trembling hesitancy, as if he wants to run out into the crowd. Nunnally seems to sense his unease, and her hand finds Suzaku's as if comforting him. The gesture feels so intimate. They must be close.

It takes all his willpower to sink back into the crowd, bowing his head. When he dares to look again, Suzaku's shoulders have relaxed and he's standing still once more, facing straight ahead, but something about his posture looks so painfully lonely.

Maybe he only sees it because he knows Suzaku so well, or maybe it's his own projections; Lelouch is sure that to everyone else in the crowd, Suzaku looks like nothing but solemn and confident, the perfect Zero.

Would Suzaku be angry if he found out Lelouch was among the living? Lelouch's punishment was to die, to sacrifice his future for the sake of the world.

Maybe he would be happy, he dares to think. It matters not. Even if he was not dead, he had sacrificed his future, the future he had dreamed of where they could live peacefully together, the three of them.

Yes, he had thrown that future away when he had started along this path, and this was the most fitting end for a ruler like him.

So Lelouch vi Britannia walks away from the celebration, a bittersweet smile on his face, head bowed against the crowd who have started chanting the name Zero, as he hears Suzaku draw his sword and raise it into the air, flicking it to the ground just as he had that day. It signals the end of the ceremony, and the end of this small indulgence of life he's allowed himself to have.

He knows that he cannot be a part of this future he created, and that is the biggest punishment of all, more than death. The punishment that he himself bestowed years ago to his best friend. He can only now understand how painful it can be.

To live.


End file.
